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I don't feel like doing this anymore
#1
I've lost the inspiration, I haven't felt it in a long time. I try to sit in front of the screen and crank out an interlinear chapter, even if I'm not paying attention, but my fingers just don't move.

I don't know if it'll come back or not, nothing excites me anymore about any of this. What was once my passion has all but died inside of me. I'll force myself to stare at the screen and try to make sense of the Aramaic, only to find myself being distracted by a spider on the wall....or finding any excuse to walk away and do something, anything, else....hoping this burden I've placed upon myself will just disappear....maybe the server's hard drive will crash and I'll have an excuse to dump it all.

Something strange has happened.
+Shamasha Paul bar-Shimun de'Beth-Younan
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#2
April 13, 2005

Dear Paul:

We are all indebted to you for what you have already done, and the remarkable gift of the interlinear gospels. You can't possibly know how much your work has helped me personally to better understand God's word.

I will pray that the Holy Spirit's breath will someday soon give you renewed inspiration. God bless you and your family in all that you do.

Sincerely,

Otto
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#3
Paul man thankyou for all you have done and for being somewhat of a mentor to me on the Peshitta and how to deal with people. Thankyou for the wonderful work and the Gospels. The best Aramaic-English Gospels around!

I understand in a way your stance here. I also had a remarkable change recently, it is so easy to become disillusioned with religiousy type things. Seeing how crappy people are to each other and how people argue over doctrine, just because they see a certain verses differently. OMG how can you live like that? How could I live like that - I couldn't. Especially now with a whole lot of friends that don't exactly fit the Christian mould <!-- sSmile --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/smile.gif" alt="Smile" title="Smile" /><!-- sSmile -->

Maybe it was the forum that did it to you, the constant arguing and bullcrap from people, even me for which I am ashamed. This site would probably be better without a forum, or one which allows ONLY scholarly Peshitta discussion - no debates, Islam talk, theology etc

As for your site man, I would be happy to keep it warm for you for if you ever come back. I will host it, pay for the domain etc and you get final say on everything, I would keep it pretty much as is, even down to the logo if you want it kept there!!! I would like to add links, articles and the other Peshitta translations but again you have my word you get final say on all.

And I understand too how busy one can get and you probably don't get any recognition for that. I mean I am so busy with work and studies (medical school next year too!) and I don't even have a family of my own, and I feel so swamped sometimes. I can only do my little Peshitta and Bible studies pretty much every Saturday. You have kids man who need you to spend time with them, so it's all so easy to understand. Peace!

Love,

Chris
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#4
Paul Younan Wrote:I've lost the inspiration, I haven't felt it in a long time. I try to sit in front of the screen and crank out an interlinear chapter, even if I'm not paying attention, but my fingers just don't move.

I don't know if it'll come back or not, nothing excites me anymore about any of this. What was once my passion has all but died inside of me. I'll force myself to stare at the screen and try to make sense of the Aramaic, only to find myself being distracted by a spider on the wall....or finding any excuse to walk away and do something, anything, else....hoping this burden I've placed upon myself will just disappear....maybe the server's hard drive will crash and I'll have an excuse to dump it all.

Something strange has happened.

Dear Paul,

Thank you for every effort you have made. From time to time, we need some rest.

I have a look at here almost everyday. I have a lot of frustration in life but I find peace in the Messiah.

Though just a handful people recognize the original of the Aramaic NT, I believe God has given the sign of His restoration to this generation.

When almost the whole Christianity is in the darkness, the Light of the Truth is shining here and there for the sincere believers to see and follow.

GOD bless you.

Jing
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#5
Shlama Paul,

The only thing i can say is that your work shows what you have in your heart, and because of what you have in your heart many people including myself are learning the hidden things behind the words of Meshicha. I ask that you do not take offense in what i tell you, but maybe you are forcing yourself without having to. You have done plenty for all of us, and although i am pretty sure each and everyone of us would like to see more and more, you need your time of peace and quite alone with Alaha. The interlinear Peshitta is a wonderful gift for years to come, and as you know it even inspired me to make an interlinear translation into Spanish on my own. What i am saying is that i apreciate very much everything you have done, all the work you have done. I pray that you gain strength, but not strength to come back and start with Aramaic work again, but rather that you gain strength in spirit. I really hope that you feel better, if there is anything i can do to help please let me know. <!-- e --><a href="mailto:jeta7831@yahoo.com">jeta7831@yahoo.com</a><!-- e --> .

Yohanan
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#6
Shlama Paul,

The only thing i can say is that your work shows what you have in your heart, and because of what you have in your heart many people including myself are learning the hidden things behind the words of Meshicha. I ask that you do not take offense in what i tell you, but maybe you are forcing yourself without having to. You have done plenty for all of us, and although i am pretty sure each and everyone of us would like to see more and more, you need your time of peace and quite alone with Alaha. The interlinear Peshitta is a wonderful gift for years to come, and as you know it even inspired me to make an interlinear translation into Spanish on my own. What i am saying is that i apreciate very much everything you have done, all the work you have done. I pray that you gain strength, but not strength to come back and start with Aramaic work again, but rather that you gain strength in spirit. I really hope that you feel better, if there is anything i can do to help please let me know. <!-- e --><a href="mailto:jeta7831@yahoo.com">jeta7831@yahoo.com</a><!-- e --> .

May God bless you and your family

Yohanan
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#7
Paul Younan Wrote:I've lost the inspiration, I haven't felt it in a long time. I try to sit in front of the screen and crank out an interlinear chapter, even if I'm not paying attention, but my fingers just don't move.

I don't know if it'll come back or not, nothing excites me anymore about any of this. What was once my passion has all but died inside of me. I'll force myself to stare at the screen and try to make sense of the Aramaic, only to find myself being distracted by a spider on the wall....or finding any excuse to walk away and do something, anything, else....hoping this burden I've placed upon myself will just disappear....maybe the server's hard drive will crash and I'll have an excuse to dump it all.

.

You don't need an excuse to leave this alone Paul. You don't have to do it.

Maybe there is really something else you can do at the moment.
Don't feel bad, feel good that you see you should leave it alone for a while...or maybe forever. Who knows.

Maybe God has something more important for you to do, even if you don't see why.

Don't feel bad...:-)

If this work needs to be done one day, God can take care of that. <!-- sSmile --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/smile.gif" alt="Smile" title="Smile" /><!-- sSmile -->

Maybe even God is quite relaxed about it all anyway.

Great that you realise this........again don't feel bad and don't grind away if it is not right at the moment...or even ever.

All the best....Michael from downunder.
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#8
Shlama Akhi Paul,

I just read your post on your feelings about the translation, and it does not wholly surprise me given our recent private discussions. I think that I, as an Aramaic translator myself who is constantly defending this holy text and combating ignorance regarding it, can definitely relate to where you are coming from. I have taken the Peshitta to the Nazarene-Messianic community with some level of success and have also felt both the need to translate and the weight of the responsibility for doing so. But, if not for you for your excellent labor, I would not be doing this at all, and for that I am eternally in your debt.

What many on this forum though may not know is that Paul and I both came from a board called the Aramaic Bible Society in the mid to late 1990's which, in many ways, also was trying to pervert Peshitta to support its own political and errant theological agenda. This forum was born as an alternative to that one, meant to support and uplift Peshitta studies without the invasion of theology. In fact, this is the whole point of the Peshitta text itself as I understand it--that it would NOT be perverted to the political agendas of the Christian West and that of Rome in particular. And so, every time we strayed from our goals here at peshitta.org, the inevitable result even from the most loving and well-intentioned souls (and frequently they were neither also) was always heartbreak and despair.

Furthermore, often when I saw the same thing happen with unscrupulous people from my brethren, including James Trimm, I also felt like retiring from this field as well. One of my brothers in the faith though told me though not even a month back that retiring was an option I only THOUGHT I had, and that the Holy Spirit would wait for me to catch up to that truth. At this hour though, my continuation in public Peshitta studies beyond the final editions of Ruach Qadim and Path to Life is also in doubt. I too have family responsibilities and many distractions that I feel could easily afflict me for the forseeable future.

So Paul, this is my way of saying, I understand how you feel, and to a large extent share your feelings in this regard. The only I thing I would ask of you is what I ask of myself, and that is to keep an open mind and heart for the possibility that the Holy Spirit might reinvigorate you at any time. I also think that both of us have been under heavy negative spirtual attack by the enemy, who does not want the light and truth of the Aramaic text to bring the world the true Gospel. That fact alone at least makes me want to go on in spite of myself.

Also, don't lose sight of what you have accomplished. Without your work on the Gospels almost none of us here could do what we do with the Peshitta in our daily lives. It must remain up here somehow--free and accessbile as it has always been. You know the reasons as well as I for this. My people wrote the Peshitta and your people took us in and preserved this holy and perfect text. Is the Peshitta though just for your tribe and mine? Hardly! It is the precious gift of Meshikha to the starving world, Jew, Aramean, Greek, Roman--even Samaritan. All nations. All races. We have been charged and entrusted by Master Yah with a holy office and a high honor to deliver the true words of His Son in the original tongue and in the original way he said them 2000 years ago.

But, in all this, please don't think that I am saying you should not do what you feel is right. I only say these things to let you know that a wider range of possibilities in the future may exist which is not apparent now. Remember Akhi, you are still a young man and your talents and strength remain with you.

As I said, I will always love you like a brother and be grateful to you. I also look forward to talking with you and haaring ideas with you regardless as my official status or yours. Be well, take care of your beautiful family, and know that you are treasured here in the City of Brotherly Love.
Shlama w'burkate
Andrew Gabriel Roth
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#9
Shlama akhi Paul,

Well old friend, first of all let me thank you for the generosity, friendship, and support you have shown me over the years. Without it, none of my own meager accomplishments would have been possible.

The pursuit of Aramaic and Peshitta studies has always struck me as having an element of the absurd in it. Think about it. There are supposed to be over a billion professing Christians, thousands of Christian universities and seminaries, and tens of thousands of Christian scholars and clergy. Yet, when it comes to the language of Jesus and his disciples, and to the only complete record of the Scriptures in that language, the field is left almost entirely to a handful of amateurs, such as those here on this forum. A situation almost as absurd as that of Jesus picking a handful of low life fishermen and tax collectors to start a new world wide religious movement.

On a number of occasions I have gotten disgusted with the lack of progress in my Aramaic studies and the unresponsiveness of others, and determined to give it up. During one of these episodes, feeling I had wasted enough time on Aramaic, I decided to pursue another language and went down to my local library to get a book on the subject I had previously seen. While looking unsuccessfully for that volume, I literally stumbled on a pile of books another patron had left on the floor. Picking them up I noticed a book I had never seen before, a survey of various languages. Randomly opening the book I found myself on a page showing Aramaic script. It was the only example of Aramaic in the book, a psalm which read ???The earth is the Lord???s and all therein, the sea, the sky, and man...???

I won???t pretend to know the pressures, emotions, and responsibilities which currently confront you. All I can offer are my own imperfect observations. It has seemed to me for a long time now that you really lost your enthusiasm for translation around the time your mother passed on. Since then you have put most of your energy into forum postings, new forum software, and new forums. I???ve often wished you would give translation just five or ten percent of the time you???ve put into the forum work. But, maybe this was your way of dealing with an already growing emptiness.

The bottom line I suppose comes down to whether you have done this work out of a sense of obligation to family, ethnicity, and church; or whether this work resonates much deeper within your soul. I know from personal experience that endeavors based on a sense of family or social obligation are very difficult to sustain, especially if the individual or group you are doing the work for doesn???t appreciate it. By contrast, an endeavor that emanates from deep within one???s heart is, as the prophet Jerimiah said, like a fire burning deep in your bones. The fire may seem to go out for a time, but it always rekindles when the time is right.

This may seem like an attack on your integrity, or your right to make personal choices different from what the rest of us might wish. It is not. It is, however, a challenge. A challenge to personal introspection and the honesty which results from it, however painfully won. As akhi Judge has already said, you don???t have to do this work out of a sense of guilt or obligation. If that was your motivation for a time, then God has made good use of it, and we have all benefited, and you may be proud of your accomplishments; and if this work touches some need or desire deep in your soul, then some day you will be back, you won???t be able to stop yourself.

In either case, I will always consider you my friend, and will always be indebted to you.

John Marucci
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#10
Man this is so sad that all these Peshitta enthusiasts are becoming very disheartened. Even I have been a bit lately too, I felt it when I started fulltime work and get dozens of emails through my website... Sometimes I was like "omg just leave me alone!!!" so I can't even imagine what Paul went through with far more people wanting to learn from him or challenge him through the forum as well as emails. Fighting a losing fight, especially when the "victors" use dodgy weapons, seems to lose its fun after a while.

But there is so much good stuff done by you Paul. All your stuff can always have a home on my website. It would be good if you contact me and we can arrange something like this, but if you couldn't be stuffed (understandable) I will have to try and find a way to archive this site and host that on mine - please someone who knows let me know ASAP how this is done. My own little site is growing slowly but surely and I would have it as an honour to keep your resources "warm" <!-- sSmile --><img src="{SMILIES_PATH}/smile.gif" alt="Smile" title="Smile" /><!-- sSmile --> and still available on the net.

I also like to extend the offer to Marucci, Caruso, AGR and whoever else is hosted on Paul's server, if they like to be hosted by me, free of charge of course. I gladly pay the fees for my website and I have plenty of space and bandwidth left over.

Regards and God Bless,

Chris
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#11
Shlama akhi Paul,

Thus saith The LORD GOD of hosts:

"Get off thine ass and fight the enemy of your soul.

Have not I called you and gifted you and chosen you to this work ? If you will not fight for Me, then you deny Me and my words before men. You know the consequences of denying Me.
My people are not quitters. They endure all, believe all, hope all. My people NEVER QUIT. I HAVE PUT MY LOVE INTO THEM, MY SON AND MY SPIRIT.
You are my son and servant. Do you love Me more than these other things that distract you ?

Feed My lambs.
Feed the multitudes.
Lay down your life for your brothers and the world around you, if you love Me.
Do not despise this word of prophesy I deliver through your brother."


His servant and messenger,

Dave Bauscher
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#12
I will, Akhay, come back to this work. I need this little Sabbatical right now. Akhan John Marucci hit the nail on the head in his post.

Despite the tone in my post, I am not depressed...sad...overwhelmed or any of that. In fact, I couldn't be happier. I'm having a fantastic time in life right now, and I am blessed with a great family and great friends. My career is great, my business is booming.

The bottom line is that I've made excuses for a long time, whereas the reality is that I do have plenty of time to do this. I could do this. I just don't feel particularly inspired at the moment, nor have I for the last couple of years.

This text, this project, deserves the attention I once was inspired to give to it. I shouldn't attempt to continue unless I can give it that attention again, from deep within. It's not something that can be forced. It has to just happen.

Dean and I have spoken at length about this, and I've been meaning to call you too Akhi Keith.

At some point in time this went from being a personal hobby that I enjoyed immensely, to an obligation. I don't know exactly when or why that happened. But when it was a hobby, I enjoyed it. When it became a job, something that was expected, I began to despise it.

It has to turn into a hobby again in order for me to approach it with the right attitude. It's a heavy task, and again it deserves someone who is motivated. That's not me right now....but it will be if I start to look at this again with the right perspective.

Give me time.
+Shamasha Paul bar-Shimun de'Beth-Younan
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