02-13-2009, 10:57 PM
" Follow thine heart during thy lifetime; do not more than is commanded thee. Diminish not the time of following the heart; it is abhorred of the soul, that its time--of ease--be taken away. Shorten not the daytime more than is needful to maintain thy house. When riches are gained, follow the heart; for riches are of no avail if one be weary..." (The Instruction of Ptah hotep)
Friends & Members of the Forum,
Let me share my discovery with you. If this is unappropriate, I ask the moderators to reject this post & I will apologize.
1) Misdirection of ambition has caused me immeasurable grief. For a long time, I only pursued knowledge as a means to gain status in the eyes of men. I dreamt of admission into the most exclusive elitist circles. I dreamt of fame & fortune. I dreamt of unanimous praise. I dreamt of being the man whom none could resist. In my dreams, I was dark, tall, & handsome whose knowledge & strength & charm was matchless. In short, I was uncomfortable being myself. And none of my desires gave me peace. Instead, the hole in my heart grew larger with an insatiable thirst for that which I dreamt. Unable to create a reality akin to my dreams, I lived in a personal hell.
"For what is a man profited, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul? or what shall a man give in exchange for his soul?"
Quite recently, I had an ephiphany. I ignored my own heart's cry, saying "seek thou of that which is in thy nature." It is, as it always has been, in my nature to dedicate my mind, heart & soul entirely to God's will--all else is chasing of the wind:
"As honey drips from the honeycomb of bees, and milk flows from the woman who loves her children, so also is my hope upon You, O my God" (Odes of Solomon).
I am ever-aware of the evasive presence of death. It reminds me that each day undedicated to the will of God is not only wasted & lost, but will be a weight of grief on that Day. Although my heart desires Paradise, it desires His favor more. It desires to worship Him not just for eternal pleasure, but because He created me and gave me a heart that can only love Him fully.
Kevin
Friends & Members of the Forum,
Let me share my discovery with you. If this is unappropriate, I ask the moderators to reject this post & I will apologize.
1) Misdirection of ambition has caused me immeasurable grief. For a long time, I only pursued knowledge as a means to gain status in the eyes of men. I dreamt of admission into the most exclusive elitist circles. I dreamt of fame & fortune. I dreamt of unanimous praise. I dreamt of being the man whom none could resist. In my dreams, I was dark, tall, & handsome whose knowledge & strength & charm was matchless. In short, I was uncomfortable being myself. And none of my desires gave me peace. Instead, the hole in my heart grew larger with an insatiable thirst for that which I dreamt. Unable to create a reality akin to my dreams, I lived in a personal hell.
"For what is a man profited, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul? or what shall a man give in exchange for his soul?"
Quite recently, I had an ephiphany. I ignored my own heart's cry, saying "seek thou of that which is in thy nature." It is, as it always has been, in my nature to dedicate my mind, heart & soul entirely to God's will--all else is chasing of the wind:
"As honey drips from the honeycomb of bees, and milk flows from the woman who loves her children, so also is my hope upon You, O my God" (Odes of Solomon).
I am ever-aware of the evasive presence of death. It reminds me that each day undedicated to the will of God is not only wasted & lost, but will be a weight of grief on that Day. Although my heart desires Paradise, it desires His favor more. It desires to worship Him not just for eternal pleasure, but because He created me and gave me a heart that can only love Him fully.
Kevin